A PAGE OF JOKES!

Joke :
Worry is like a rocking chair !
It give's you something to do, but gets you knowhere.

Joke :
Did you hear about the man who fell into a bowl of Muesli ?
The currant dragged him under !.

LAWYER: (Pause) " But is it not possible he could have been alive nonetheless?"
DOCTOR: " Well yes, it is possible he was alive. But he woulkd only have been fit to study LAW ".

A SHORT VERSE JUST IN FROM AUSTRALIA

Many thanks to Joyce

HERE ARE SOME QUICK ONE LINERS

Lead: "How short is my bowl?"
skip: "You ought to know, your closer to it"

You have a referee in football. An umpire in cricket. What do you have in Bowls?-----A GOLDFISH !

Definition of a novice:
A new convert to bowls who confessess he knows nothing about the game and then
becomes angry when you agree with him.

Definition of a substitute:
One accepted with faith, endured with hope, but seldom remembered with charity.

Definition of a coach:
One who appears to agree with whatever you tell him.

Q: What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set the mat, can't keep score
and won't listen?----A: Make them skip.

Q: how do you spell skip?--------A: G.O.D

' Exposed bowls '

Skip to lead: Good bowl ! you just need a bit more grass and a bit more weight.

Skip to Third: You need to change your hand, and put on a foot !

Skip to Third: 'Which is the danger bowl?' Third: 'The one your holding'

I rang up my local bowling club, I said "is that the local bowling club?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."

' Driving wood '

The lady president had just left the club, and was getting into her car, when this bloke says to her,
" can you give me a lift?" She said "sure.....you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it."

The local police arrested two old bowlers leaving the club yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
So they charged one and let the other one off.

A NOTICE ON THE CLUB HOUSE DOOR.
Would however borrowed the ladders from the club house,
Please bring them back, or further steps will be taken!

TO ALL MEMBERS.
If you make tea in the club house,
Please empty the tea pot, then stand upside down on the draining board!

A NOTICE ON THE CARETAKERS DOOR.
I can repair anything,(Please knock loudly-the bell does'nt work).

A DEED OF GIFT.
A local farmer, whose land ajoined the village bowling green,
offered the club a small field next door to
the green for the future use of the members.
Asked by the club treasurer the cost,
Oh it's free said the farmer, but I'd watch the bull,
"HE CHARGES"

A NOTICE OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP.
We buy sell and exchange all bowling equipment and accessories,
Why not bring along your wife and get a wonderful bargain!

FRIENDSHIP.
Old Bob was missing Joe, his bowling buddy of over 50 years. he had passed to green's anew
just last year,and Bob couldn't help but wonder how he was getting along.
So later that day whilst talking with a friend it was suggested that he sort the help of a medium,
who agreed to try and make contact with Joe.So the next evening, after the usual formalitys
contact was made, and this is how it went !.
Hi Bob, said Joe.
Whats it like up there, asked Bob?
Great food, Nice people, Lovely weather, and we get to bowl as much as we like, replied Joe.
That's good news, said Bob!
No! said Joe, good news is your skipping FRIDAYS TRIPLES !!!!!

THE TEAM.
The lads had arranged to have a practice bounce before the big match,
sunday morning was chosen, and they all arrived on time except Fred.
When he finally arrived, the others all asked;"what kept you ?"
Well " It was a toss-up as to whether I went to church or joined you blokes bowling", Fred replied.
" That shouldn't have taken long ", said the skip.
" Well it did, I had to toss 13 times".

GRUMPY.
I woke up this morning and felt "grumpy",
but I soon changed my mind and decided to let her sleep.!

SWOPS
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week !
Best deal I have made in years.

TO WIN
" It matters not whether you Win or Lose;
What matters is whether I Win or Lose"

TRYING
" If at first you don't succeed, Try one of the following.
(1) Blame your Bowls
(2) Blame someone else
(3) Seek coaching.

ADVICE
" If your Skip wants an opinion, He'll give it to you".

PERFECTION
Can Someone tell me why,
"If practice makes perfect", and as we know nobodys perfect,
Why bother to Practice ?.

THE ODDS
"Remember, the world is a big place.
Even if you are a Bowler in a million,
It means there are a 1000 more like you around the world.

CATERING
Our club secretary was visting a fellow bowler in a brand new hospital,
and asked about the place and things in general.
"The nurses are very good and so is the treatment" came the reply
But the food gets a bit boring.
What do you mean boring asked the secretary ?
Well we get "Haggis" for breakfast, "Haggis"for our lunch
and then "Haggis"again for supper.
Well what do you expect say's the secretary!
"THIS IS THE BURNS UNIT"

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY ?

Why the sun lightens your hair, but darkens your skin ?.

Why you never hear of fortune tellers winning the lottery.

Why is " abbreviated " such a long word?.

Why do doctors call what they do " practice ".

Why you have to click " start" to Stop windows 98 ?.

Why is lemon juice made from artificial flavouring ?,
but dishwasher liquid is made with real lemons !

Why is a man who invests your money called a " Broker "

Why don't they make " mouse " flavoured cat food ?.

Why didn't Noah swat those first two midges ?.

Why don't they build aeroplanes from the same material as the " black box " ?

Why don't sheep don't shrink in the rain ?.